Get off your toes baby girl, Every inch you got on the ground. Stability & connection to Mother You don’t need to reach up to be taller. You’re a star, just as you are. Feet planted.
Keep tumbling, little lady – Don’t ever stop stretching and moving that machine. She is blessed and needs to express. Nothing stops her but her. Why me?! Well, why indeed?
Hey, the eyes see deeper than most And people are drawn to the blue. As a superpower, you tend and let flower And stay true to the essence of you. Wide open, your eyes & your heart, now. You are in control of all of the hues. So paint.
Waiting isn’t easy when we suffer. In Peace, waiting can feel free – Permission to play, to buffer Waiting for one thing is when We live all the other – Remember to Be Here Now. Just be.
That’s my existential work in this world. And I’m settling into the idea.
Desperate people – a type of person People in desperate situations – pushed to our limits Desperate to [blank] – any desire, a verb Extreme lack – empty, needy In Need – a state of being Expiring – next to gone
These are my definitions. And here’s my phone’s definition:
What do I need desperately? – sustenance [shelter, food/drink, safety, education] – connection [belonging, acceptance, shared experience, support] – purpose [work, motivation, goals, aspirations] – agency [resources where & when needed to make choices]
Universalish, don’t you think? And generic AF… It’s very much a “you decide” kind of thing – lots of options.
I’ve surmised in my 41 years that the most tragic and embarrassing behaviors often accompany desperation. Whether we meet it as a feeling, a means to an end action, or a profound sense of twisted motivation to meet a need, it is a formidable force.
Unnecessary, unforeseen, and unseemly things will take place and by your hand. Things that you’d never even imagined before become, at least for a time, a past-time of yours! It’s troubling, yes. You can ignore the unease of it and avoid considering it for a while, but it gets louder or too obvious and you need a better strategy – the time has come to rationalize it (lie to yourself). You need some structure for this ultimately destructive and mis-aligned behavior in order to keep doing it (and carrying on). Think up a story that allows you to be a lowly pawn in someone else’s game, a blamey woe is me trope about mainly ceding all your sense of free will authority in order to morally approve your ick behavior choices. “What else am I going to do?!”
The fear and suffering-soaked actions are out of alignment with that divine spark within us to such a degree that the dissonance ripples out into all sorts of harm – systemic ruptures and splinters to contain damage and restabilize. Explosions, contusions! Picture a lone bubble on the top of the water, calmly bursting. Pop.
“I can handle it,” says the body. “Move on” says the mind. (I can’t let the fact that this next thing I write reminds me of my PopPop for some reason, so here goes.) The heart holds on and holds out hope. The soul buckles up and endures.
Maybe you wouldn’t label your life’s distresses in such intense terminology at all, and the word desperate doesn’t track for you. I didn’t relate to it either. I wasn’t aware of my own desperation at the time. The words I’d use… prolonged frustration, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled longing is more my verbiage. An ongoing, drolling repetition of, “Something just is NOT adding up.” I definitely was not aware of the condition, of its influence, or the risk its presence presented in my life. I want you to know firsthand.
That’s my why – desperation prevention.
We’ve seen it in all the movies and heard it come out of every adult’s mouth – “You made me do this. You drove me to this! This isn’t ME.” We be our own “yass man” for a hot minute and feel sorry for ourself enough to go along with this meh story we’ve spun. And it’s gon’ get worse before it get any better, friend.
It’s my understanding that God created us as one part of a great big world called Earth, where our kind (hu-mans) are in an ideal situation as far as lifeforms go. Bro! Trees breathe out what we breathe in! We’ve got opposable thumbs, big brains, and we build culture to customize our environments. We create beautifully varied and vibrant ways of life. That pretty much sums it up.
It sounds like the opposite of desperate. Here’s my phone’s quick list of antonyms for desperate:
If I’m in the desperation prevention business, then I’m looking to somehow increase the experiences that produce the antithesis of despair, so words (above) like unworried, secure, satisfied, satisfactory, hopeful, and content.
The more of this, the less of the opposite, right? Isn’t that a universal law? Did a quick search on the so-called Universal Laws and here’s a good list. I have a growing suspicion that humans can convert one into the other, so fully transform the intense pain and violence of desperation into feelings and situations of contentment, ease, and satisfaction. This is an area I’d love to see researched because I can only tell you anecdotally through my own lens of my lived experience. It’s so simple and quick, but it’s a discreet formula and most peoples aren’t really interested.
In my estimation, this power to transform states of being in life forms from plant, animal, and human is magic! It’s modern evolution, and it’s happening “all the time” as we’re witnessing it and becoming it, really all at once, on so many levels. If our power to manifest our soul’s beautiful expression in the world (rippling out the satisfaction) is directly correlated with the health of our system to process thoughts and emotions into actions chosen in the present moment, then that’s the task at hand. They say the only requirement is choosing to allow for the possibility of change, of other. Of new.
Something I know about “new” is that it’s only ever a viable option for me once I’m out of the woods, so to speak. Or once the smoke has cleared and we’ve gotten our legs back under us. Once my system feels safe enough to relax. Until then, I’m hiding out. New is hope incarnate, and that’s a word on our antonyms of desperation list. Hmm. So my basic requirements have to be getting met, at least to some degree, for my system to allow for “new.”
An oddly wise thing I heard myself say in convo with my Mom earlier today went something like, “What if what you’re calling “evil” isn’t out there trying to get you, but coming from us in the ways we have acted from insecurity? What if what we all know and love to call EVIL is our simply our harvest of the natural outgrowth of unmet needs on every level, internal and inter-personal to global?” She is a generous listener who is accustomed to my wise and goofy musings as a defrag tool. For anyone who find audio processing helfpul, you understand. I could totally talk to a recorder or myself or an imaginary friend, of course…but usually I don’t?
We’ve already agreed that our basic requirements are: generic, universal, and easily met in our human setup. (And yep-some setups are sweeter than others.) We know that inspired action ripples out indefinitely. We know that starting small is the somewhere in “You gotta start somewhere.”
Another way to tell the story is that humans have been learning, exploring, and practicing life on Earth for a while now. In the most recent 2,135 years or so, we humans have been buffing up our leadership skills – resource management and medicine, astronomy and advanced tool-making. We have spread our lifeways all over the planet and have learned and developed all the while. Vast networks of species interdependence exist now in partnership – trees and mycelium, for example. And humans with plants and animals, co-existing and co-creating new landscapes. Human development isn’t just physical or mental because, as a species, we are evolving and upgrading our whole beings, including the deeper subconscious “hard-wiring” and the cellular composition. Like crucial ios updates. And what ideas we bring forth into use toward our dreams will determine our lives and impact those around us and beyond. So bring forth Peace, Joy, and Restoration.
Although it might take a while longer than we’d prefer, we can use what we know to affect change that ripples into humanity’s long historical arc, if not its very identity. LOL I have such strong conviction that humans have a unique opportunity right now today, to tend and care for this planet and all her inhabitants in a way that spreads hope and cultivates abundance.
We begin by using what we already know and what we already have available to transform the despair in all the forms in which we encounter it. We start with ourselves, thn to those closest to us, and finally to everyone we encounter along the road.
How do we do this? Allow yourself to consider the possibility that something OTHER than your past experiences is possible. And as you consider this possibility, notice how you feel. If any ideas come to your mind, take a little action – just a lil baby step. And if no ideas come, just wait and stay open to receive.
That feels aligned to me. Satisfactory!
The photo at the top was taken by a guy named who published it in an online article about Oscar Wilde’s beautiful line, “A flower blossoms for its own joy.” This line is from a play called The Decay of Lying. It was my favorite image for the post and I was delighted to get a little extra commentary on the quote, one of my favorites right now.
At 10, it was spiders. Growing up in Florida had acquainted me with garden snakes, lizards, and insects, but the 8-legged just creeped me out. I couldn’t watch them on tv or look at the image of one in a book. Unnerved is the word. If one surprised me, the reaction was an…extreme one. I’ve never understood why.
However, by 20 years young, I would have stated without hesitation that (at least the idea of) failure was my #1 biggest fear, and I’ll bet I said it with a smile. I aimed to please, or at least not cause any additional difficulty for others. I was afraid most of not measuring up to the expectations and potentials they invested in and had expressed for me, and likewise for myself. That fear felt viscerally real to me, realer than spiders. Felt like fire under my pot to “be prepared” and “use your head.” At the time, I was zipping into my new adult suit, while putting the kid and student stuff away. So much about life and the world I didn’t know. This fear of failure became a decent motivator for me to try and steer clear of stepping outside the box much. One of my strengths at this age is being “easy-going,” even if that meant compromising my own priorities in the need to keep someone close. Even if they didn’t ask me to. Still, a girl’s gotta try and I sure did. I sure did.
After 10 more years of living out some challenging and neat experiences, and reeling in the reality of parenthood, I had just achieved something amazing in bringing Isobel into the world. She arrived on the scene just prior to my 31st bday. I remember it felt like the end of an era – the wondering and hoping for one day era. My dream had come true, and now I was living it. Although birthing my daughter was hardly a solo venture, it still felt like the fulfillment of an individual goal/hope I had and others had for me. A success that earned and would continue earning forever. Or something? (This actually strikes me at this moment as problematic and I’ll be looking into this.)
Sleep-deprived and on maternity leave, I made a choice from a different sensibility, deeper and unignorable, pulling me. I loved the place I worked and I loved where we lived. My ultimate conclusion: jobs come and go, and the mountains will always be calling; but let’s give our parents and our kids the gift of each other. Failure wasn’t on my radar. I was #winning. I felt abundant and fertile and so did the world. My biggest fear had to be about something bad happening to Josh. I’d have been lost without him…still would.
40 came recently, on a Friday the 13th no less, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s been a heck of a decade over here! Motherhood has kicked my naive arse from every direction. Why didn’t anyone warn me that parenting is not only physically exhausting (and never stops), but is also mentally and emotionally quite troubling for one’s values and identity? 🙃 That’s not listed in the baby books (or at least not ones I read)! We moved back to where we had met, closer to most of our family, and I found myself doing it again – coming to a conclusion on what to do next based on what I felt would be best for us all, rather than just pour moi. It wasn’t acquiescing or going along, at all, but rather a call to something i didn’t know I wanted – simplicity. Slowness. Eww.
This type of thing tracks with millions of accounts of big perception changes in midlife, but…here’s the disclaimer about my opinion: That’s all it ever is, okay? 😉
I tried for a long time to find a way back into professional work that also felt ideal for my (estimation of my) family’s needs, that felt aligned. TBH, I haven’t come across it yet! The story I tell myself about this “heroine trial” has shifted over time. I’m a big fan of silver linings. Of course, the user error is undeniable throughout because I was an emotional live wire, disregulated and insecure. The ongoing effort without breakthrough (see Camus’ Sisyphus) took a toll and the whole thing was dragging me down. It still does sometimes.
Proud to report a new zen outlook on spiders as God’s beautiful creation, though! They’ll likely never become my favorite species, but the arachnid 🕷️ panic is gone, thanks to trauma-informed therapy and Reiki attunement, and I help them outside now when I find them indoors. #naturequeen #givemeamedal #spiderally
With failure, suffice it to say that I’ve become well-acquainted. By failure, I’m saying a severe NOT meeting of expectations and/or commitments. I’ve failed myself and others, once or twice so gravely that it broke my brain & heart for a while, and deeply injured others. Apparently and fortuituously, though, both can heal! And So It Is.
So, lately, my thoughts on failure ring differently and that’s made quite a difference in how I see everything.
Failure, some say, is unavoidable. More true than that; they say it’s natural. We see it simply as “part of the process” when it’s Improv or Jazz or Science.
So, which is better: Failing or Hiding? Try It or Never Know? If we refuse to fail because we believe it’s the lynchpin to having everything we have and need, we won’t try as often, and we’ll be super hard on ourselves at every turn. We won’t explore or play or truly rest – until the shame subsides, and it won’t. That awful feeling is self-imposed to keep us striving and frustrated, in other words, safe (hidden from danger).
Overwhelmed by possible outcomes and sore from past disappointments, we often in some form or fashion give up before we start. We’ll stick to what we know and limit ourselves. And eventually, that connection to the deep, enduring sense of alignment, the heart’s cry, weakens and dissolves. Eventually, I couldn’t remember the point of any of it.
Let’s look now at the failing option. Successful entrepreneurs encourage us by telling their stories of failure and setbacks, often before AND even after they’ve hit it big. They tell us from way up in the front row, in the good seats, not to diminish your goals and desires out of the fear you won’t meet them and to GO FOR IT. We wave back and we say that it’s, (say it with me) “easy for you to say!,” but who better to point us in the right direction? Artists of all genre say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyway, so paint for yourself. Wouldn’t they know?! Athletes don’t “fail,” at all. They learn from mistakes and they improve. They adapt. Sometimes the decision to fail is the best option (see Simone’s example). It’s becoming obvious in this moment that “failing isn’t fatal.” It’s just a part of life when you’re trying, and it’s in desperate need of a rebrand. This perspective changes a lot for me, and the braiding continues!
When God says, “I will never leave or forsake you,” I take this as a promise of continued transformation, “into His image with ever-increasing glory,” inside of us, and amplifying outward. “I will never” often also means, “I will always,” and in that sense, we believe that, no matter the circumstance we’re in, whether we are making a huge mistake or just hit a new PR, that God is present, renewing our minds and helping us to utilize the gifts & power hidden there in the heart of us to learn, grow, and enjoy our precious lives.
I believe that’s the upper-cased P Plan, and that it’s happening everywhere, all at once, whether we are aware of it, like it or not. It’s part and parcel of the process of being transformed (back?) into the image of the Creator, the Imago Dei. So, if it’s happening anyway, we might as well lean into it. My new definition for failure: an often uncomfortable path of learning that reconnects us to our essence and expands our capacity for empathy. I’ll just say it – failure is a teacher, the one you despise while in their class and treasure forever once you’re out.
So failing is officially no longer what I fear most. I don’t plan to hide anymore.
Whether I make it about having Gate 21 lit up in my Human Design chart or about the profound effect of taking my partner’s family name, referring to myself in this way – The Huntress – has helped me to remember who I am and who I yearn to be in this life. We live in a time when our understandings of what it means to be human are changing.
As the big, so the little. I am changing, too.
I am called to dance with life, breathing in all the fractals of experience I can, and equally called to distill it into a quintessence for you. One that reminds you of something important.
That’s all this is – a “portal” into my beingness. It’s also quite experimental! 😜
Step through the door, into perspective that feels other – and notice how familiar and how strange your world may seem on the other side. And, now, how you can never go back and how you are different from now on.
THE HUNTRESS PORTAL 