THE HUNTRESS PORTAL

Category: REWORD

  • The Masterpiece Lives On

    The Masterpiece Lives On

    Monday, April 29th – 

    After I pulled for the week, I’m returning to something I read from the Sacred Earth Oracle. 

    It reminded me of a couple concepts I return to often – of letting go and legacy.

    “Life makes its mark with no obligation, no expectation, and its masterpiece is lost beneath the next snowfall.”
    (p.90 Renewal)

    And it continues,

    “White, where time is frozen, like an expectant hiatus lost to a blank page. Refreshing, perpetual renewal is here, now, always, awaiting you.”

    As I read this and breathed it in, I felt sad, loss.
    What a shame, I thought – gone forever.
    My mind brings up nearby examples –
    A. Family members who pass on without leaving a concrete legacy of their thoughts, memories, and wisdom for their descendants. That’s sad to me, “a missed opportunity,” I often say.

    B. We have artists and masters in their area who die before ever getting credit or acclaim. That’s too bad and so unfair!

    C. Okay the big kahuna – Jesus H. Christ.
    Lately, I’ve been pondering what Jesus may have felt/thought in knowing this life plan of not only sticking out like a sore thumb from day 1 and having to die in a publicly humiliating and painful, drawn out way. It’s also the life where you’re being hugely screwed over by historical memory, being witnessed and remembered in error or in omission of content and/or context. You crushed it (I choose to believe!), but the way it landed for human history was a very mixed bag, more and more so as collective human awareness shifts into a stewardship mindset with itself and the natural world. I am honored to do this little walk through Jesus’s example. He’s refining my perception as we go! Mostly, I can imagine feeling very misunderstood and deeply frustrated with the prospect of this happening to me! I mean, what a miscarriage of justice! I sort of seethe with 2nd hand resentment just considering it. Hmm.

    And then, I heard a warm voice say in my right ear/brain, 

    “There’s no renewal without death. There is no loss in death. Life in all its forms is immaculate.”



    Legacy is completely in the eye of the beholder and the ones ending their human lives have the chance to review every moment and choice after they arrive. They are not responsible for what happens afterward, but I am curious if they follow it, like fan fiction boards. I’m not sure if they care or to what extent they keep up with it…I’ll ask.

    I think the take-home message here is that my brother Jesus doesn’t vibe any lower, regretting how human history screwed up his narrative and used him to oppress each other. Therefore, if Jesus ain’t mad, I ain’t mad. I’ll need to remind myself of this a lot before it’s reprogrammed with this information.

    So, two things here:

    1. Nothing is lost, broken, or “a shame” because it’s ALL for our benefit and our learning.

      It’s a form of praise and worship to feel your emotions, no matter which ones.
      Breathe in and out – the simplest prayer. Amen.
      Change your perception around what’s valuable, now.

      Although it seems to you like everything can be categorized and hierarchies by rating criteria, this is not the way our Higher Selves (or anyone beyond the 3D) understand it. They care only about the beauty, innovation, and creativity in variety and experimentation. They see it all, but it’s like the shadows and outlines in a painting, not binary of good/bad. It complements the whole.
      How we compete is considered very childlike, such that they always extend Grace. Everything adds and contributes and is useful and good.

      Play your hand and give gratitude as often as you can, for the poison is often the medicine.
    1. No such thing as a missed opportunity or a forgotten, jilted legacy.

      Time being non-linear means that we are taking ample attention with every opportunity, and you are here now, exploring yours. You don’t have to worry about not “doing it all,” as you ARE actually doing it all, right now. You really are safe to move about the cabin and just relax…It’s a big shift in your understanding of reality, from a 3D to quantum perspective. As this new theory plays out in our examples of life, refinement is necessary and appropriate. “Maintenance Required,” basically! 😉

    Let’s talk about the renewal piece: No renewal without death.
    Okay, so we’re back in this image of a wintry, icy woods environment.

    “Life makes its mark with no obligation, no expectation, and its masterpiece is lost beneath the next snowfall. White, where time is frozen, like an expectant hiatus lost to a blank page. Refreshing, perpetual renewal is here, now, always, awaiting you.” 

    And the warm words came again behind my right ear:
    “Death is the pause in every note played, to rest, not to stop or fade from record. The song continues and the Soul sings it out as your true essence, into every life – your signature frequency, your bag of tools for the next journey.”

    I then looked up renewal and didn’t find much with the -al, so I looked up renew.

    The definition that resonates for me RN is 1: to make like new: restore to freshness, vigor, or perfection. 

    Death is not to be feared, but revered. Death is actually the perfection/completion of life. It’s not common knowledge here yet.
    It is necessary for the next step in the Soul’s song, the next note resounding bright and strong after resting a beat to renew itself.

    Renewal
    It’s the Soul, your OverSoul or Higher Self or God that calls our human soul shard home to join it, like a mother’s call. And it’s this heart’s cry that beckons us to Sing while we can, our unique note added to the chorus.

    A candle is not upset or bitter at the moment it gets snuffed out – It remains available to bring light anon. That’s what it’s made to do – exist.

    So the snow falls to create another blank canvas. Waves crash upon the shores of castles and holes and sand writing every day and night. Fires burn through forests and renewal can almost instantly be witnessed by life.

    Life is never lost. Art is sometimes a momentary flash, but no less exquisite.
    Something is always gained, learned, and expanded – it’s what life does.
    Replicates, abounds, blooms, carries on.

  • Why Me?

    Why Me?

    This time it’s rhetorical, so no need to answer in the comments!
    The question I’ve been asking may finally have an answer…or at least the beginnings of it.

    This rendition of Why Me is a far cry from the oft compared “Woe is Me!”
    This question is a serious exercise in understanding why I am here living life now, “For such a time as this.”

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been voraciously, irrevocably curious about the human condition. The science of it and [omg] the ART of it – how we operate, think, feel, and why – and don’t even let me get started on MORE THAN ONE – humans together?! Stop it. It’s too much fun and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop if I start now.

    But I’m serious. I’m sincerely interested in almost everything.
    I’m curious AF, and I seem to naturally store new learnings in a way that connects to so many other aspects overlapping it. Like a wisdom index! Maybe everyone does this? This has always been one of my “things,” and has resonated for others to the tune of “mature for her age,” “self-aware, to a fault,” “a little adult,” “precocious,” and “inquisitive,” as memory serves.

    I like to be “in the know” behind the scenes and I like to position myself to have some influence over the greater impact happening for the group.
    I like to make a positive difference, whatever that means and I enjoy being in a leadership role. However, there’s a freedom and sacredness in beginning, in working at the very front line of the process, so to speak. Doing what someone else trains me to do and happily so, Ego unengaged – it’s super fun. As I become aware of the more automatic ways I react and make meaning, the knowing naturally prompts a re-learning and system cleanse protocol to reset or change to manual mode. Little by little, I am embracing opportunities as they come, saying yes when my heart and mind cohere in deep resonance.

    Therefore, I’m not sure if the leaning toward influence and knowing things comes from a sincere interest or my early onset hyper-vigilance, wanting to be ready. One reason that knowledge is power is that it prevents the debilitating element of surprise. Amirite?

    I say all this to say that a significant percentage of the answer to “Why Me – AKA – Why Am I Like This?” is because I’m mentally vigilant toward the world around me, in a constant effort to prevent my own emotional turbulence. This is a learned strategy I’ve used as long as I can remember to engage my environment via my own unique blend of pleasing, allowing, and showing gratitude and respect. My acknowledgement that my caregivers were not consistently able to validate my reality and meet my early needs was just that – a baby human creating meaning from sensory data. Their adverse responses to my emotion and related questioning wasn’t appreciated or encouraged. I got a lot of “you worry too much” and “don’t overthink it” and “just be yourself,” when I was desperately in need of a sure bet: cause and affect. I noticed the yokes of womanhood and manhood, as well, as I further committed to a American Judeo-Christian ideal as young adult. I felt that my “trauma bond” with ensuring everything and everyone felt OKAY would prove worthy of esteem and praise. Adults are nicer when they feel proud and relaxed, and I will do my part. I thought that’s what most kids thought and did!

    I also came into this world with what I can only recently describe to you as “the emotional weight of the world” on my little baby shoulders. Taking ownership in my assigned societal roles made sense in the perceptional frame I created where I was at my core a burden and a lot of effort. I needed to earn my keep and prove my worthiness of being there – taking up space, utilities, and people’s time and money. I latched onto this schema and everything I experienced seemed to confirm it. From this attachment to pleasing and appeasing, I have developed skills, sensitivities, and deeply ingrained neural relationships that now require restructuring and integration.
    And I think that’s what IS happening as I pursue opportunities as they present.

    A third component of Why Me that I saved for last because it’s the most fun to discuss – finally something positive! Something sparkly and rare about the way I’m created is my capacity to hold and process a LOT of mental and emotional information. Not only do I possess a high level of precision and understanding for written language, but I am sensitive to auditory information of all types – spoken word, song, tone and frequency, and the translation of such media modes into emotion and ideas. This is how my strong proclivities to music, writing, sociology, traveling, health, & spirituality all connect.

    I’d like to return to this post again to update and add.

  • Desperation Prevention

    Desperation Prevention

    That’s my existential work in this world.
    And I’m settling into the idea.

    Desperate people – a type of person
    People in desperate situations – pushed to our limits
    Desperate to [blank] – any desire, a verb
    Extreme lack – empty, needy
    In Need – a state of being
    Expiring – next to gone

    These are my definitions.
    And here’s my phone’s definition:

    What do I need desperately?
    – sustenance [shelter, food/drink, safety, education]
    – connection [belonging, acceptance, shared experience, support]
    – purpose [work, motivation, goals, aspirations]
    – agency [resources where & when needed to make choices]

    Universalish, don’t you think? And generic AF…
    It’s very much a “you decide” kind of thing – lots of options.

    I’ve surmised in my 41 years that the most tragic and embarrassing behaviors often accompany desperation. Whether we meet it as a feeling, a means to an end action, or a profound sense of twisted motivation to meet a need, it is a formidable force.

    Unnecessary, unforeseen, and unseemly things will take place and by your hand. Things that you’d never even imagined before become, at least for a time, a past-time of yours! It’s troubling, yes. You can ignore the unease of it and avoid considering it for a while, but it gets louder or too obvious and you need a better strategy – the time has come to rationalize it (lie to yourself).
    You need some structure for this ultimately destructive and mis-aligned behavior in order to keep doing it (and carrying on). Think up a story that allows you to be a lowly pawn in someone else’s game, a blamey woe is me trope about mainly ceding all your sense of free will authority in order to morally approve your ick behavior choices. “What else am I going to do?!”

    The fear and suffering-soaked actions are out of alignment with that divine spark within us to such a degree that the dissonance ripples out into all sorts of harm – systemic ruptures and splinters to contain damage and restabilize. Explosions, contusions! Picture a lone bubble on the top of the water, calmly bursting. Pop.

    “I can handle it,” says the body. “Move on” says the mind. (I can’t let the fact that this next thing I write reminds me of my PopPop for some reason, so here goes.) The heart holds on and holds out hope. The soul buckles up and endures.

    Maybe you wouldn’t label your life’s distresses in such intense terminology at all, and the word desperate doesn’t track for you. I didn’t relate to it either.
    I wasn’t aware of my own desperation at the time. The words I’d use… prolonged frustration, dissatisfaction, unfulfilled longing is more my verbiage. An ongoing, drolling repetition of, “Something just is NOT adding up.” I definitely was not aware of the condition, of its influence, or the risk its presence presented in my life. I want you to know firsthand.

    That’s my why – desperation prevention.

    We’ve seen it in all the movies and heard it come out of every adult’s mouth – “You made me do this. You drove me to this! This isn’t ME.” We be our own “yass man” for a hot minute and feel sorry for ourself enough to go along with this meh story we’ve spun. And it’s gon’ get worse before it get any better, friend.

    It’s my understanding that God created us as one part of a great big world called Earth, where our kind (hu-mans) are in an ideal situation as far as lifeforms go. Bro! Trees breathe out what we breathe in! We’ve got opposable thumbs, big brains, and we build culture to customize our environments. We create beautifully varied and vibrant ways of life. That pretty much sums it up.

    It sounds like the opposite of desperate.
    Here’s my phone’s quick list of antonyms for desperate:

    If I’m in the desperation prevention business, then I’m looking to somehow increase the experiences that produce the antithesis of despair, so words (above) like unworried, secure, satisfied, satisfactory, hopeful, and content.

    The more of this, the less of the opposite, right? Isn’t that a universal law?
    Did a quick search on the so-called Universal Laws and here’s a good list.
    I have a growing suspicion that humans can convert one into the other, so fully transform the intense pain and violence of desperation into feelings and situations of contentment, ease, and satisfaction. This is an area I’d love to see researched because I can only tell you anecdotally through my own lens of my lived experience. It’s so simple and quick, but it’s a discreet formula and most peoples aren’t really interested.

    In my estimation, this power to transform states of being in life forms from plant, animal, and human is magic! It’s modern evolution, and it’s happening “all the time” as we’re witnessing it and becoming it, really all at once, on so many levels. If our power to manifest our soul’s beautiful expression in the world (rippling out the satisfaction) is directly correlated with the health of our system to process thoughts and emotions into actions chosen in the present moment, then that’s the task at hand. They say the only requirement is choosing to allow for the possibility of change, of other.
    Of new.

    Something I know about “new” is that it’s only ever a viable option for me once I’m out of the woods, so to speak. Or once the smoke has cleared and we’ve gotten our legs back under us. Once my system feels safe enough to relax. Until then, I’m hiding out. New is hope incarnate, and that’s a word on our antonyms of desperation list. Hmm. So my basic requirements have to be getting met, at least to some degree, for my system to allow for “new.”

    An oddly wise thing I heard myself say in convo with my Mom earlier today went something like, “What if what you’re calling “evil” isn’t out there trying to get you, but coming from us in the ways we have acted from insecurity? What if what we all know and love to call EVIL is our simply our harvest of the natural outgrowth of unmet needs on every level, internal and inter-personal to global?” She is a generous listener who is accustomed to my wise and goofy musings as a defrag tool. For anyone who find audio processing helfpul, you understand. I could totally talk to a recorder or myself or an imaginary friend, of course…but usually I don’t?

    We’ve already agreed that our basic requirements are: generic, universal, and easily met in our human setup. (And yep-some setups are sweeter than others.) We know that inspired action ripples out indefinitely. We know that starting small is the somewhere in “You gotta start somewhere.”

    Another way to tell the story is that humans have been learning, exploring, and practicing life on Earth for a while now. In the most recent 2,135 years or so, we humans have been buffing up our leadership skills – resource management and medicine, astronomy and advanced tool-making. We have spread our lifeways all over the planet and have learned and developed all the while. Vast networks of species interdependence exist now in partnership – trees and mycelium, for example. And humans with plants and animals, co-existing and co-creating new landscapes. Human development isn’t just physical or mental because, as a species, we are evolving and upgrading our whole beings, including the deeper subconscious “hard-wiring” and the cellular composition. Like crucial ios updates. And what ideas we bring forth into use toward our dreams will determine our lives and impact those around us and beyond. So bring forth Peace, Joy, and Restoration.

    Although it might take a while longer than we’d prefer, we can use what we know to affect change that ripples into humanity’s long historical arc, if not its very identity. LOL I have such strong conviction that humans have a unique opportunity right now today, to tend and care for this planet and all her inhabitants in a way that spreads hope and cultivates abundance.

    We begin by using what we already know and what we already have available to transform the despair in all the forms in which we encounter it.
    We start with ourselves, thn to those closest to us, and finally to everyone we encounter along the road.

    How do we do this? Allow yourself to consider the possibility that something OTHER than your past experiences is possible. And as you consider this possibility, notice how you feel. If any ideas come to your mind, take a little action – just a lil baby step. And if no ideas come, just wait and stay open to receive.

    That feels aligned to me. Satisfactory!

    The photo at the top was taken by a guy named who published it in an online article about Oscar Wilde’s beautiful line, “A flower blossoms for its own joy.”
    This line is from a play called The Decay of Lying. It was my favorite image for the post and I was delighted to get a little extra commentary on the quote, one of my favorites right now.

  • On Resistance

    On Resistance

    Photo by Filipe Delgado on Pexels.com

    Whoever says, “Resistance is futile” absolutely has not been well enough acquainted with the subject matter. In fact, I’m not sure of the actual origin MAYBE HERE but i’ve only ever heard a bad guy say it in a movie, and it’s never true, not even a little.

    Incapable of producing any useful result. Pointless. – is how my phone’s default Siri dictionary phrased it.

    Anyone who tangles with it knows what a trip it can be!
    Resistance in the context of a form of inner protective patterning that is due for a glowup from yours truly is really your ultimate guide and protector as a kid.
    Individual and personalized before your conscious memory kicks in, resistance represents a sacred agreement your human system put in place to make sense out of your confusion, and to ensure your basic needs would be met by your caretakers.

    Not only is resistance purposeful, but most of us at a certain age found it necessary. I know I must have, because I didn’t consciously decide and I only recently realized! Hallelujah.

    Some experts call these inner part of us the ego, unconscious wounding, attachment style, stuck energy, behavior pattern and schemas, internalized beliefs, and an upset inner child. Regardless, it expends our system’s energy by being hyperaware of any possible proof supporting whatever limiting belief from the past. Our brains will send up that red flag if they sense danger, and our knee-jerk reaction will be to take action for safety.

    This is not the same voice that moves through me when I mean to encourage and celebrate a friend, mind you. Consider why that might be –

    And it produces a useful result MOST OF THE TIME, my dude.
    Like so often, my goals are the ones feeling the hint of futility!
    At a certain point in this journey, I had a huge AHA that what had once kept me safe and secure enough in my environments to learn, grow, form relationships, and move through my life until now has become an impediment.

    Thus begins the dance, when I’ve believed for so long that someone or something else was created to lead, while I was created to support and follow. We will discuss that binary and more at another time. Who says a dancer even needs another fellow, in order to dance? Just weird that assumptions we make. “I can’t dance. I don’t know how!”

    So, okay. Resistance exists. It’s powerful, useful (to a point), and comes from “inside the house,” so to speak. Resistance is the coalition of my parts continuing to uphold an agreement made a long time ago on a certain strategy to keep everything chill for me. Thank you, Resistance.

    To what, you might ask?
    Well, to feeling emotions that are uncomfy and to challenging the status quo.
    Never under-estimate the distance you can and will travel to avoid discomfort. We resist by living thought by thought in our accepted fears of some sub-optimal future and in our sour lessons from past experiences. I do this in ways that are obvious to me and probably a thousand additional ways I don’t notice. Think about how effective you can be at killing a good vibe all by yourself. Killing YOUR good vibe, nonetheless?!

    I will have a great idea, today, for how to use my time tomorrow. I will take inspired action on the idea, usually trying to making tomorrow’s task as easy as possible for future Jess. I want to feel that pride and confidence in myself at the END of that following day after I do the idea! I know it’s a step in the direction of who I want to be…And I’m talking about GOOD, simple and proven ideas like: waking up early to meditate, working out, eating something balanced when I have some extra time to savor…just normal, healthy things people do for themselves.

    An example of resistance in action is me having taken those steps of: idea, excitement and commitment, inspired actions to help me get there, and then…binge-eating the night before after one of the kids says something ignorant and harsh about my face. I don’t sleep great, have to get up and use the restroom, then wake up sweaty and having snoozed my alarm. I hear both kids up already, and one of them says she doesn’t have any shorts clean to wear for school, but I know at least one pair is clean-grr. I don’t meditate. After drop-off, I’m feeling guilty and resolve to meditate when I get home. However, on the way home, I recall needing a couple things from the grocery store that I can quickly pick up. You likely know where this is going. I get home and I’m starving, so I open some impulse purchase from the store that has nil nutritional value and snack as I unpack what ends up being a good little load of stuff! I start drinking a glass of water, but leave it in another room, when I realize a bathroom that was left “trashed,” and I can’t even allow it be exist in that condition another second. You see? So scattered, overwhelmed, reactionary, just a domino effect of behavior, no follow through. Resistance. Hi, it’s me.

    So my application of taking the lead in this dance of resistance et moi seems to hinge on how I leverage my awareness of and appreciation for this inner programming. Akin maybe to a sizeable OS upgrade, my intention now is to cultivate an emotionally safe and grounded internal environment (like functional body building) that tolerates, nay, welcomes all thoughts, feelings, and beliefs as old friends, but also questions and considers them in light of
    the current way RN Jess understands things – the whys and hows of it all! RN me often chooses a slower lifestyle that allows me to more fully experience the present moment, and also to focus on some areas of healing and learning that are of highest priority to me.

    This dancing used to feel like a recovery and a healing back to an unexplored wholeness of being. I remember the image of myself in fetal position in a puddle at the bottom of a deep earthen hole in the ground feeling accurate. Reminds me of the story in John 4 of the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well.

    I know that feelings come and go, which is actually so great. We can really experience them and then let them go. They’ll be back! LOL
    At this moment, the dance feels exhilarating and full of possibility, like a baby’s birth. Whether you call it “rewilding” or self sovereignty, a miracle or just neurons recalibrating as hormones seek stasis (science!) in the body, the change feels for me like an abiding clarity about my values, my goals and greater purpose, and the steps I take next. I’m no longer “looking at the world from the bottom of a well.” Things, as they say, have SHIFTED.

    Now I’m that woman at the fully functional and biblically accurate well, and Jesus approaches. He offers me a drink that will become a well of water (inside me!) springing up unto eternal life. This drink isn’t what I thought it was – the promise of a pleasant afterlife. It’s a shift in the way I perceive myself and everything around me. It’s the glow up, and Yeshua makes clear that it has been here all along.

    Resistance is a gift I humbly and fearfully receive as a friendly push from my own battle-hardened psyche to decide RIGHT NOW who I Am. She is ready for her makeover, her upgrade. She know’s it’s time. And I’m feeling thirsty!

    Photo by Dmitriy Ganin on Pexels.com