THE HUNTRESS PORTAL

Tag: bible

  • Why Me?

    Why Me?

    This time it’s rhetorical, so no need to answer in the comments!
    The question I’ve been asking may finally have an answer…or at least the beginnings of it.

    This rendition of Why Me is a far cry from the oft compared “Woe is Me!”
    This question is a serious exercise in understanding why I am here living life now, “For such a time as this.”

    For as long as I can remember, I’ve been voraciously, irrevocably curious about the human condition. The science of it and [omg] the ART of it – how we operate, think, feel, and why – and don’t even let me get started on MORE THAN ONE – humans together?! Stop it. It’s too much fun and I’m not sure I’ll ever stop if I start now.

    But I’m serious. I’m sincerely interested in almost everything.
    I’m curious AF, and I seem to naturally store new learnings in a way that connects to so many other aspects overlapping it. Like a wisdom index! Maybe everyone does this? This has always been one of my “things,” and has resonated for others to the tune of “mature for her age,” “self-aware, to a fault,” “a little adult,” “precocious,” and “inquisitive,” as memory serves.

    I like to be “in the know” behind the scenes and I like to position myself to have some influence over the greater impact happening for the group.
    I like to make a positive difference, whatever that means and I enjoy being in a leadership role. However, there’s a freedom and sacredness in beginning, in working at the very front line of the process, so to speak. Doing what someone else trains me to do and happily so, Ego unengaged – it’s super fun. As I become aware of the more automatic ways I react and make meaning, the knowing naturally prompts a re-learning and system cleanse protocol to reset or change to manual mode. Little by little, I am embracing opportunities as they come, saying yes when my heart and mind cohere in deep resonance.

    Therefore, I’m not sure if the leaning toward influence and knowing things comes from a sincere interest or my early onset hyper-vigilance, wanting to be ready. One reason that knowledge is power is that it prevents the debilitating element of surprise. Amirite?

    I say all this to say that a significant percentage of the answer to “Why Me – AKA – Why Am I Like This?” is because I’m mentally vigilant toward the world around me, in a constant effort to prevent my own emotional turbulence. This is a learned strategy I’ve used as long as I can remember to engage my environment via my own unique blend of pleasing, allowing, and showing gratitude and respect. My acknowledgement that my caregivers were not consistently able to validate my reality and meet my early needs was just that – a baby human creating meaning from sensory data. Their adverse responses to my emotion and related questioning wasn’t appreciated or encouraged. I got a lot of “you worry too much” and “don’t overthink it” and “just be yourself,” when I was desperately in need of a sure bet: cause and affect. I noticed the yokes of womanhood and manhood, as well, as I further committed to a American Judeo-Christian ideal as young adult. I felt that my “trauma bond” with ensuring everything and everyone felt OKAY would prove worthy of esteem and praise. Adults are nicer when they feel proud and relaxed, and I will do my part. I thought that’s what most kids thought and did!

    I also came into this world with what I can only recently describe to you as “the emotional weight of the world” on my little baby shoulders. Taking ownership in my assigned societal roles made sense in the perceptional frame I created where I was at my core a burden and a lot of effort. I needed to earn my keep and prove my worthiness of being there – taking up space, utilities, and people’s time and money. I latched onto this schema and everything I experienced seemed to confirm it. From this attachment to pleasing and appeasing, I have developed skills, sensitivities, and deeply ingrained neural relationships that now require restructuring and integration.
    And I think that’s what IS happening as I pursue opportunities as they present.

    A third component of Why Me that I saved for last because it’s the most fun to discuss – finally something positive! Something sparkly and rare about the way I’m created is my capacity to hold and process a LOT of mental and emotional information. Not only do I possess a high level of precision and understanding for written language, but I am sensitive to auditory information of all types – spoken word, song, tone and frequency, and the translation of such media modes into emotion and ideas. This is how my strong proclivities to music, writing, sociology, traveling, health, & spirituality all connect.

    I’d like to return to this post again to update and add.

  • Oof: A Failure Rebrand

    Oof: A Failure Rebrand

    Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

    At 10, it was spiders. Growing up in Florida had acquainted me with garden snakes, lizards, and insects, but the 8-legged just creeped me out. I couldn’t watch them on tv or look at the image of one in a book. Unnerved is the word. If one surprised me, the reaction was an…extreme one. I’ve never understood why.

    However, by 20 years young, I would have stated without hesitation that (at least the idea of) failure was my #1 biggest fear, and I’ll bet I said it with a smile. I aimed to please, or at least not cause any additional difficulty for others. I was afraid most of not measuring up to the expectations and potentials they invested in and had expressed for me, and likewise for myself. That fear felt viscerally real to me, realer than spiders. Felt like fire under my pot to “be prepared” and “use your head.” At the time, I was zipping into my new adult suit, while putting the kid and student stuff away. So much about life and the world I didn’t know. This fear of failure became a decent motivator for me to try and steer clear of stepping outside the box much. One of my strengths at this age is being “easy-going,” even if that meant compromising my own priorities in the need to keep someone close. Even if they didn’t ask me to. Still, a girl’s gotta try and I sure did. I sure did.

    After 10 more years of living out some challenging and neat experiences, and reeling in the reality of parenthood, I had just achieved something amazing in bringing Isobel into the world. She arrived on the scene just prior to my 31st bday. I remember it felt like the end of an era – the wondering and hoping for one day era. My dream had come true, and now I was living it. Although birthing my daughter was hardly a solo venture, it still felt like the fulfillment of an individual goal/hope I had and others had for me. A success that earned and would continue earning forever. Or something? (This actually strikes me at this moment as problematic and I’ll be looking into this.)

    Sleep-deprived and on maternity leave, I made a choice from a different sensibility, deeper and unignorable, pulling me. I loved the place I worked and I loved where we lived. My ultimate conclusion: jobs come and go, and the mountains will always be calling; but let’s give our parents and our kids the gift of each other. Failure wasn’t on my radar. I was #winning. I felt abundant and fertile and so did the world. My biggest fear had to be about something bad happening to Josh. I’d have been lost without him…still would.

    40 came recently, on a Friday the 13th no less, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it’s been a heck of a decade over here! Motherhood has kicked my naive arse from every direction. Why didn’t anyone warn me that parenting is not only physically exhausting (and never stops), but is also mentally and emotionally quite troubling for one’s values and identity? 🙃 That’s not listed in the baby books (or at least not ones I read)! We moved back to where we had met, closer to most of our family, and I found myself doing it again – coming to a conclusion on what to do next based on what I felt would be best for us all, rather than just pour moi. It wasn’t acquiescing or going along, at all, but rather a call to something i didn’t know I wanted – simplicity. Slowness. Eww.

    This type of thing tracks with millions of accounts of big perception changes in midlife, but…here’s the disclaimer about my opinion: That’s all it ever is, okay? 😉

    I tried for a long time to find a way back into professional work that also felt ideal for my (estimation of my) family’s needs, that felt aligned. TBH, I haven’t come across it yet! The story I tell myself about this “heroine trial” has shifted over time. I’m a big fan of silver linings. Of course, the user error is undeniable throughout because I was an emotional live wire, disregulated and insecure. The ongoing effort without breakthrough (see Camus’ Sisyphus) took a toll and the whole thing was dragging me down. It still does sometimes.

    Proud to report a new zen outlook on spiders as God’s beautiful creation, though! They’ll likely never become my favorite species, but the arachnid 🕷️ panic is gone, thanks to trauma-informed therapy and Reiki attunement, and I help them outside now when I find them indoors. #naturequeen #givemeamedal #spiderally

    With failure, suffice it to say that I’ve become well-acquainted. By failure, I’m saying a severe NOT meeting of expectations and/or commitments. I’ve failed myself and others, once or twice so gravely that it broke my brain & heart for a while, and deeply injured others. Apparently and fortuituously, though, both can heal! And So It Is.

    So, lately, my thoughts on failure ring differently and that’s made quite a difference in how I see everything.

    Failure, some say, is unavoidable. More true than that; they say it’s natural. We see it simply as “part of the process” when it’s Improv or Jazz or Science.

    So, which is better: Failing or Hiding? Try It or Never Know? If we refuse to fail because we believe it’s the lynchpin to having everything we have and need, we won’t try as often, and we’ll be super hard on ourselves at every turn. We won’t explore or play or truly rest – until the shame subsides, and it won’t. That awful feeling is self-imposed to keep us striving and frustrated, in other words, safe (hidden from danger).

    Overwhelmed by possible outcomes and sore from past disappointments, we often in some form or fashion give up before we start. We’ll stick to what we know and limit ourselves. And eventually, that connection to the deep, enduring sense of alignment, the heart’s cry, weakens and dissolves. Eventually, I couldn’t remember the point of any of it.

    Let’s look now at the failing option. Successful entrepreneurs encourage us by telling their stories of failure and setbacks, often before AND even after they’ve hit it big. They tell us from way up in the front row, in the good seats, not to diminish your goals and desires out of the fear you won’t meet them and to GO FOR IT. We wave back and we say that it’s, (say it with me) “easy for you to say!,” but who better to point us in the right direction? Artists of all genre say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyway, so paint for yourself. Wouldn’t they know?! Athletes don’t “fail,” at all. They learn from mistakes and they improve. They adapt. Sometimes the decision to fail is the best option (see Simone’s example). It’s becoming obvious in this moment that “failing isn’t fatal.” It’s just a part of life when you’re trying, and it’s in desperate need of a rebrand. This perspective changes a lot for me, and the braiding continues!

    When God says, “I will never leave or forsake you,” I take this as a promise of continued transformation, “into His image with ever-increasing glory,” inside of us, and amplifying outward. “I will never” often also means, “I will always,” and in that sense, we believe that, no matter the circumstance we’re in, whether we are making a huge mistake or just hit a new PR, that God is present, renewing our minds and helping us to utilize the gifts & power hidden there in the heart of us to learn, grow, and enjoy our precious lives.

    I believe that’s the upper-cased P Plan, and that it’s happening everywhere, all at once, whether we are aware of it, like it or not. It’s part and parcel of the process of being transformed (back?) into the image of the Creator, the Imago Dei. So, if it’s happening anyway, we might as well lean into it. My new definition for failure: an often uncomfortable path of learning that reconnects us to our essence and expands our capacity for empathy. I’ll just say it – failure is a teacher, the one you despise while in their class and treasure forever once you’re out.

    So failing is officially no longer what I fear most. I don’t plan to hide anymore.

    Until the big 5-0, I’ll leave it at that.

    Thank you for being here with me.